Thursday, March 31, 2011

Pizza!

Tonight I'm thankful for De Luca's Pizza.  Silly, I know, but after a good talk between mothers at baseball practice tonight, I had no idea what I was making for dinner.  I realized that I'm not the only one that feels that way when having to provide dinner every night to please all of us.  I actually do more than most, since I rarely resort to fast food.  It was a nice talk and kind of a relief from home, and I hate to say Kipp.  So when I returned home, I ordered a Marguerita pizza from Deluca's and it turned out delicious, and at least 3 of us were pleased.

So thank you Deluca's, for giving me time to have a "mom" talk, and not feeling too guilty about not cooking tonight.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

This was just at the right time...

"As the saying goes, when one window closes, another one opens. In other words, just because something is ending right now doesn't mean that something new isn't just getting started. It might be right around the corner -- or it might be quite a spell down the road. Regardless, something is coming in your future that will make you glad you took the journey to get there. Hope is the word to hold on to today -- hope for what you can't anticipate and can't control."

The above was on my homepage horoscope today.  It is so appropriate for the time in my life.  I've been so anxious about returning to work on the 7th.  I have dreams every night about how it will go, and when I wake up in the middle of the night, all I can think about is everything I need to do and get done for when I'm at work.  I worry a lot about leaving Kipp right now, even though deep down I know he'll be okay and we'll work things out for this new phase of our lives.  I have been blessed to be able to take this time to stay home with him, and even though it has been tough, we are closer because of it.  So my time off from teaching, and this stage in our life is coming to an end, but like the horoscope says, a new time for us is just getting started.  I've never been a huge believer in astrology, but this comes at just the right time:) HOPE is the word to hold onto today and always!

Gray Skies and a houseful of kids!

Totally unplanned, today I've ended up with a houseful of kids.  Not really a problem, just not so common around here to have more that my own, maybe one extra.  Today, each of my kids have a friend here to play with, and I know that really isn't a houseful to most, but in my small house it is!  They are totally engaged in their video games.  Shelby and Briana have started up a game of Rock Band, and Jake and Roby are into the Ipad. The weather is cool and gray, so even though it is not too bad, the kids prefer to be indoors.  I kind of like the gray, and hope to escape later to a energetic power walk.  It all depends on how long the kids are around.  Maybe I'll bring the boys up for batting practice and walk around the field???

So on this Sunday, I am grateful for the gray skies and the kids, too.  They keep me grounded and not so lonely.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Ahhh Vino!

Very simple, tonight I am grateful for a nice glass of wine.  I try not to indulge on a weeknight, because though I hate to admit it, in my 40's even just one glass makes me feel like hell in the morning.  Especially when I have to wake up at 6:00.  I know, I'm not working right now, so what does it matter.  But I do still have to wake up early to take the kids (in 2 trips) to school, and I rarely get to go back to sleep when I'm done.  So, on a Friday, when there is no early Little League game, I am very appreciative of a glass of wine, or two, to relax me at the end of a long week.  Here's to sweet dreams and sleeping to 7:30 tomorrow morning! Cheers!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Cooking up a storm...

I'm not sure why I added "storm", it just sounded good.  I love to cook.  I admit, I wish I had a more receptive audience.  They are hit and miss on some of my adventures in cooking.  I usually know what they will like and when I am risking a "dislike" from all of them.  Right now, Kipp is less critical and doesn't say much when he is less than pleased with a dish, but the kids have no problem voicing their opinions.  Tonight it was a fairly simple corn and crab chowder.  It was delicious, and everyone agreed.  I will be freezing the other half for a dinner on a busy baseball night in a week or two.  Although I would love to keep the leftovers for tomorrow, I know I'll be saving myself on a busy night after work when I'm too exhausted to even think about dinner (a suggestion from my therapist to freeze food for when I return to work, which I'm trying to follow through on).

So tonight I am thankful for a successfully made dish, and an addition to my favorite recipes!

The Obvious...

Today, I'm grateful for the obvious...my husband.  Just because of family history and all the death we've had to deal with, I've always forced myself to imagine what I would do without my husband.  I'm so grateful I haven't had to find out.  We came close this time, almost seeing my husband die.  It was horrible, and all of the events that surrounded his aneurysm.  It is the reason I called this blog, "Living in a Dream".  I kept waiting to wake up, then several times had to remind myself that it wasn't a dream, it was my life.  So blah, blah, blah...now that most of the horrible is over and we're just dealing with the aftermath, I am so grateful that my husband is a strong person.  I have never seen someone go through having to deal with this big of a change in their life.  I know it affected all of us, but he is the one that it affected directly.  His whole life and perspective has had to change, and he has been so strong and determined to deal with it.  Yes, he waivered, and had some doubt in himself, but he struggles and overcomes his problems every day.  Last night he held me and told me he loved me.  It was so sincere I almost cried.  Just hearing those words, so perfectly said, made me realize how grateful that he is who he is and the fact that I have the privilege to be with him...enough said.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Just the little things...

It is so funny all of the things about my husband that have changed, but I really haven't admitted until now.  Most of them are just little things in his personality.  Besides the obvious impairments, here's a list of some of those little things that have changed:
1. He often speaks very loudly.  B.S. he was always hushing my children and myself because he felt we spoke to loud.  Now he is the loud one and it doesn't seem to bother him.
2. He is very obsessive about things.  He follows weather, particularly stormy weather, like he has never experienced it before.  He constantly wants to trim his facial and body hair.  He can't stand it growing even the littlest too long. He won't let things go...even though I try to make him forget (particularly about those issues that I need to take care of).  I think he is afraid that if he doesn't obsess over them, he will forget.
3. He talks to the animals.  He has always had a sensitive spot for the dogs, but never really admitted it.  Now he seems to enjoy interacting and talking with them.  It is very cute.  He also seems to really like our cat, which is a big switch.
4. Overall, he is much more pleasant, and not as moody as he used to be.  I now know that those headaches he used to have really had a reason (hence the aneurysm).

Those are just a few things, but today I am grateful for these things.  Most of them are welcome changes since I'm trying to be as positive as possible.  Honestly, I can't thing of any really bad changes since the stroke, except for his frustration with himself, but I think that is to be expected.  So thanks for those little things!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

All Better!

I am so grateful for good moods.  After a "dreary" morning, K came home in a good mood from playing tennis with Matt, Shelby did her chores and agreed to not be so disrespectful/bitchy, and all is better.  After a delicious mocha from Rebecca's coffee shop, a trip to the store to buy the makings of "Steak Soup", and a little nap, we are all peaceful.  The weather on the other hand is stormy and cold.  Looks like a good evening of cuddling by the fireplace.  So I'm not only thankful for good moods, but also warm fires:)

On a dreary Sunday

I'm trying hard to find something to be grateful this dreary day.  I usually love Sundays, and today started out as no exception.  Until we were struck by the curse of Shelby!  My daughter is beautiful and strong spirited, very much like both myself and my husband.  The past few weeks she has just been so witchy.  It seems like she thinks its okay to call all of us stupid, or idiots...says "shut up" every three seconds and flies off on irrational rants whenever her mood strikes.  I suppose I was very much like that as a teenager, but being the youngest of three, it usually didn't phase my parents.  At the same time, I know that if I had said some of the things that she does to me, I would've been struck across the face and banished to my room for a week.  So either I have conveniently removed that from my memory, or I just was smart enough not to speak that way to my parents. 

I suppose I am grateful for "cooling off" periods.  Once I'm able to cool off, and calm down, she usually does too, and I can talk sensibly to her.  I am also grateful to my parents for dealing with me as a teenager.  I have much more appreciation for parents that successfully survive raising a teenager, and still have a life when they are done.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Family Time

On this Friday, I am grateful for family time.  Not necessarily time where we're all doing the same thing, but just those times when everyone is home and we are just being "normal".  Yes, of course I love the more "quality" times, but have learned to appreciate that even though we've been through quite an ordeal these past few months, there are time when we are just being together and doing the things that family does.  Also noted, quality time doesn't have to be when we go to the zoo, or Sea World, or another planned adventure.  It can just simply be sitting on the couch together watching a funny movie or a favorite t.v. show, eating dinner together, or playing a board game.  I'm not too picky, just thankful for the four of us being home together in a state of calm happiness.  Love it!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Pinewood Derby

Today I am grateful for the Cub Scouts.  I was never pictured myself as an All American type of mom.  I was never a Girlscout and Kipp never a Boyscout.  Just didn't think it fit into my "left winged" life.   Always the liberal, thought those associations were too conservative.  I started to realize I was wrong when Shelby became a Brownie in elementary school.  Now I know I'm wrong. 

I watched my son have a blast tonight at Pack 53's annual Pinewood Derby.  We spent all week working on a little piece of pine that we made into a car.  It was supposed to be Jake's thing, but since we have so much extra time on our hands we got into it, making sure it met all the specifications.  Jake brought his car to the church where the Pack meets, and I found that I was not the only parent that got into it.  It was rather obvious to me that most of those parents made the entire car from start to finish, so I'm glad that Jake could say that he had a large part in the making of his own racer.

Jake joined Cub Scouts when Kipp was in the hospital and some friends of ours asked us if Jake would like to go along.  He loved it.  And why wouldn't he... a group of 8 boys all his age and grade that just love to have fun.  He gets to play and do activities, earning badges, and just be a kid. 

K told me yesterday that while I was gone, the new neighbor came over to introduce himself while he and Jake were playing out front.  As soon as the guy came over and shook K's hand, Jake was right at his side explaining to the neighbor that his dad couldn't talk too well since he had a stroke.  I'm so proud of Jake for speaking up for his father, and taking on that role of the mini-caregiver while I was away.  It also made me a little sad that he has to take on that role at such a young age.  You never expect your children to have that type of responsibility and deal with all those feeling involved with a sick parent.

So tonight I am grateful for Cub Scouts for letting my son be just a kid with a group of friends having fun.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

P.S.

A little more gratitude for this Wednesday... I am grateful for our kitty, Ozzie.  He is a sweet tabby cat that we adopted from the Humane Society in November.  I never wanted another cat, and my husband claims to be a "cat hater", but our daughter talked us into this one.  I really felt sorry for her since it had been a rough couple of months since her father's stroke, and it was easy to convince K (kind of taking advantage of his weakened state of mind).  I admit Ozzie has been easy-going since we brought him home.  He mostly hangs out in D's room, but it has almost been good for K to take his mind off of things to have this kitty around in the day when we have so many hours here.  Today kitty has been playing fetch with is loved yellow pom-pom.  He is the most dog-like cat that I've ever had.  Maybe that is why I am so grateful for him.

A New Reality

Okay, so now I'm living in my new reality.  I am amazed on how little I get done!  I wake up every week day morning at 6 am to take my daughter to school, return for my son, then come back home and see what the day holds.  Right now my husband's therapy schedule is really light, so we have lots of time on our hands.  Neither of us is really a "house" person, meaning we don't love to do household projects.  I don't mind doing some things, like painting, or gardening, but it is the day to day stuff that gets in the way.  I am a terrible housekeeper!  I will look at something that needs to be cleaned for days, then finally force myself to get the vacuum out, or the ajax, and get to it.  My house would flunk the Martha Stewart clean standard. 

The new reality is that I can't imagine that I once held a full time job.  I have become a big time waster.  I spend a lot of time on the computer (even now!) and play games.  This is the worst, and I feel so guilty about that.  I'm going to try very hard to recreate my "new" reality and make use of the time that I have.  I'm going to clean, and get myself organized.  I'm actually going to use that paint that I bought last month and paint our bedroom.  I'm going to dig up the weeds and plant my annual veggie garden.  Today instead of cursing all the time on my hands, I'm going to be grateful that I have the time to do these things.  I AM grateful for time!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Why not me?

I have spent a lot of time these past few months asking the question, "Why me?".  But I think I have realized recently that everyone asks that question.  Why not me?  I have to remember that I'm not special or immune to bad stuff.  Something that helps me through a lot of tough times is remembering that bad stuff happens to good people. 

For those of you that don't know me, here's the story.  My husband, I'll call him "K", suffered a ruptured aneurysm in his brain, and a stroke following the craniotomy to repair the bleed.  It was a left side stroke that left his speech impaired.  He has what's called Wernicke's aphasia, which really means difficulty saying nouns.  Otherwise, physically, he is fine, with the exception of occasional  side effects from his anti-seizure medication.  Without going into all the details (mostly because I'm trying to move on), as you can imagine this has changed our lives.  We as a family, my husband, daughter, son, and myself, have been affected in many different ways, of which I'm sure I'll write about every now and then.

So now, like I mentioned, I'm just trying to move on.  I realize that we can never go back to B.S. (Before Stroke), but we can work on creating a new "normal" for our family.  So why not me?  I am strong and mostly optimistic about my future.  I love my family, and our life together.  I have so much to be grateful for, and I hope to point that out regularly so I can move forward and not whine too much about the past.  I plan on using this blog as kind of a "gratitude" journal.  Today I am grateful for life!