I hesitated making an entry tonight, but somehow just couldn't resist.  It is kind of like therapy, and right now I really need therapy.  It has been an awful long time since I've made an entry.  I've wanted to, but just didn't.  Also, time is always an issue.  Life is still pretty good, just getting to me.  I am everything to my family, and my husband, which isn't easy for me to accept.  I know that if I didn't do what I do every day, things would just come to a halt for my family.  Sounds conceited, right?  I know, but it is true.  I am the secretary for each family member and still trying to be an effective teacher.  Not easy!  I have few if not no friends.  I know there are people I can count on if necessary, but besides taking care of my husband and kids, there is little time to nurture those friendships.  When it comes down to reality, Kipp can do little, in the sense of running the business end of life, on his own.  He went off his anti depressant med in the last few weeks, and I am having glimpses into my old life.  I feel like we are two ships passing in the night.  We don't have any real communication about us, nor much affection.  His selfishness angers me on a regular basis.  I am remembering how he can be...self-absorbed.  I hate to sound selfish myself, but find myself thinking often, "What about me?".  When is the time when it is all about him going to end?  I felt a huge slap in the face today when after a year and a half of caring for his needs, he goes to visit an old girlfriend during the day.  Not just any old girlfriend, but the one he had an affair with almost 10 years ago.  Yes, he told me about it.  I even knew in advance.  Not wanting to be petty, I didn't say a thing, even made sure he knew where he was going.  All innocent, right?  He told me all about what they did and talked about.  She's married with 3 kids now, but of course she's not happy.  So now I feel like dirt.  I wish I had said from the start, NO, don't you dare go see her.  I know, I've had some wine tonight.  So I'm going to sleep on this and see if I feel like saying something.  I just really want to know when I  stop coming in last.

Still love my job...

This week, upon returning to work after fall break, I am grateful to know that I still love my job.  I'm so thankful for the kids, the cute things they do and say, and the fact that I know I'm making a difference in their lives.  Things at home are settling in, as well.  Kipp is adjusting and doing well.  We are planning a camping trip this weekend, so it is giving him something to do.  I can't wait to go.  I miss camping and it will be a fun time with friends:)

When life gives you...

My motto of the day:  When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  Cliche, I know, but it is all I can think of to try to make me feel better.  Bad news, no worries, we're going to Disneyland! 

So the story is, Kipp is officially not going back to work.  Really, not overly surprising, just disappointing to have to face reality.  I'm still not sure that it is okay for Solar to do that to Kipp.  It makes me very angry that they showed no loyalty to a faithful employee of 20 years.  He knows the job, and he could work into it, but they won't even give him a chance.  Honestly, I feel torn.  Sometimes, I think that Kipp would really struggle going back to work, and it isn't too bad having him at home.  On the other side, I know he is bored and wants to work, and maybe it would be good for him.  I'm not sure if I should do more to find out if Solar can really do this to him.

I know deep down, it will be a tough adjustment, but we will be okay.  We'll have to cut a few things from our budget, like the Y, and some cable channels, and maybe not eating out quite as much.  But we will survive, maybe even be better this way.

And yes, we are going to Disneyland!

My List

These are just some of the little things I'm thankful for that don't necessarily need an explanation, so a list is more appropriate:
Quiet time
my comfy couch
my husband's sense of humor
the visibility when I drive the truck
the funny things kids say
cartoons
soft sheets & blankets
putting my feet up
my to-do list
doctors
motrin
hot showers

Just keep remembering...

Needless to say, with my school year starting, I've been stressed and exhausted.  At the end of the 2nd week being back, I am starting to get into the groove, and not feeling like a walking zombie.  We're coming up on a year since Kipp's stroke, and usually when under stress, I have a lot of dreams/memories of how bad things really got.  I know it is not the best method to deal with the stress, but I actually think these memories serve a purpose to remind me of how lucky I am.  I love to teach and get to every day.  I almost lost my husband, but am blessed with a very strong recovering partner.  No, he can't return to work yet, and I still feel like I do A LOT!  But, these memories remind me to be grateful every day for what I do have, and I have A LOT!

Wow...Summer's Over

Well, not for most of you, but for me, it is back to work.  This aligning with the Sweetwater calendar really sucks!  Timing isn't perfect, but I am enjoying setting up my classroom and even though I don't have the ideal 4th grade team, I am enjoying the adult interaction.  It is rough, teaching/working all day then coming home to deal with "home life".  Kipp doesn't intend to, but is demanding.  He really just wants the interaction and to talk with me.  I actually totally understand where he's coming from and don't mind at all.  Even though I'm usually super tired, I find the energy to be with him and just interact.  So I'm thankful for the "small stuff", as in "don't sweat the small stuff".  It makes me realize still what is really important in life, and has given me a really unique perspective into my school life.  In the scheme of things, I realize what is really important.  The small stuff will just go away and something will take its place.  So I really don't mind the "small stuff" so much right now:)

I Can't Believe it is Really Summer!

I have so many emotions right now.  I'm trying to keep in mind that I am grateful...grateful for everything in my life.  I have so many blessings they are hard to count...my family, friends, work, home...loving husband.  But with all the rush of year end things, I am also having mild depression and panic attacks.  I find myself occasionally thinking of something terrible that happened this past year to Kipp.  I worry about money and bills, and whether or not we should spend money on vacation.  I'm feeling a huge responsibility to my family as mother, caretaker, bill-payer, decision maker, etc.  I watched my son graduate from 5th grade this morning.  All his friends and him looked so grown and ready to go to middle school.  I was a little sad to see the pictures of them growing from Kinder to 5th.  My baby is on his way to a teenager, and I can remember rocking him nightly and putting him in his crib to sleep like it was yesterday.

On the bright side, I went to speech therapy with Kipp today.  I haven't been since I went back to work 2 months ago.  Even though Kipp wasn't feeling his best all day, I remember when we first started with Lance, and am amazed at how well Kipp really is doing.  No, its not perfect, but oh so much better.  So although I've had an emotional couple of days, that helped me to realize that even though the years seem to be flying by too quickly, I have way to much to be thankful for to waste my time being sad.